Three days in a row. October 10: World Mental Health Day, October 11: National Coming Out Day, October 12: Yom Kippur.
So here’s some things I’m learning.
- The Capital “D” Word
- This “Capital ‘D'” word is no joke. Even I thought it was, to begin with. Little by little, it’s becoming more apparent that this “Depression,” if you will, is not situational, or caused by outside forces. More than ever, I’m positive it has to be caused by the serotonin imbalance in my body! This is a good thing. This is controllable. There is no cause for alarm or panic, but the truth of the matter is that I haven’t been very kind to myself because of my own mental health. I’ve verbally beaten myself up (and others) unjustifiably and without remorse. I’ve convinced myself that I am “worthless” or “undeserving,” even going so far as to believe for a moment that I am not worthy of being loved. This is wrong. I must remind myself at all times that this is wrong.
- The Capital “G” Word
- Being Capital G Gay is not easy. I do not fit into archetypes or stereotypes (save for the musical theatre addiction, of course). This can leave me feeling very alone in learning to trust in my sexuality, and obviously, that’s not a good thing. I do sometimes wish I had an easier emotional time coming out. I often wish I hadn’t labeled myself at such a young age. I especially wish someone had told me to put myself first when sharing my heart.
- The Capital “J” Word
- I cannot emotionally separate the religious aspects of being Jewish from the emotional turmoil of elementary and middle school. For the past three years, as frustrating as it is to my parents, I have distanced myself as much as possible from Judaism. I cannot give you any reasoning other than I don’t want to deal with it at the moment. But the Jewish culture, I understand. And culturally, I fit very much in with the crowd. I’m supposed to ask for forgiveness on Yom Kippur. I’m asking forgiveness of myself. I have not treated myself well. I have placed my emotional well-being in danger and I have lost sight of the love for myself that should be forever instilled in me. Selfish as it may be, I need to forgive myself before I can ask for forgiveness of others.
If I quit now, I will soon be back to where I started. And when I started I was desperately wishing to be where I am now. — Unknown
I hope I am sharing with the world honestly and openly as much as I can. Until next time.